Step-by-Step Guide to a Chinese Memorial Ceremony

This guide shares our personal journey of remembrance following the loss of our father in 2005 and our brother's sudden passing in 2020. Drawn from hushed advice, personal research, and observations of our mother's quiet mourning, these are the practices we now follow. While not a definitive or strictly "correct" approach, we share these personal tips, gained since 2005 and further shaped in 2020, in the hope that our current ways of remembering might offer comfort and guidance to others.

1. Preparation: Setting the Sacred Space

Before the ceremony begins, ensure you have all your offerings ready and the gravesite and surrounding area is clean and respectful.

Offerings Checklist:

  • Fresh Flowers (white, yellow, or a mix)
  • Food Offerings (e.g. roasted meats, rice, dumplings, fruits, longevity noodles, tea/wine, etc.)
  • Mourning Paper Memorial Set:
    • Ceremonial Opening Packet
    • Gold & Silver Joss Paper (Foil Square Sheets)
    • Sandpaper-Style Joss Paper
    • Long Plain Joss Paper
  • Ritual Candles (Red)
  • Incense Sticks
  • Hell Banknotes
  • A fire-safe container or designated burning area (e.g., a metal bucket or a designated fire pit)
  • Lighters or matches

Optional:

  • Water for quenching ashes
  • Small cups for tea/wine offerings
  • A fire-pit poker to stoke the flames of the memorial set

2. Setting the Altar/Offering Area: Order of Placement

The arrangement of offerings is symbolic and often follows a general hierarchy, with items of greater spiritual significance placed closer to the ancestors.

Back Row (Closest to the Ancestor/Tablet):

  • Ritual Candles (Red): Place three candles to the right-hand side of the ancestor memorial / grave (as you are facing them). They guide the spirits and provide symbolic protection. Light them at the start of the ceremony and if possible use the flame from the candles to light the proceeding items.
  • Incense: Place 3 incense sticks immediately to the right of the candles.

Middle Row (Food Offerings):

  • Main Food Offerings (e.g. Roasted Meats, Large Dishes): Place the most substantial food offerings here. This includes whole roasted animals, rice, or significant dishes.
  • Smaller Dishes (e.g. Fruits, Longevity Noodles): Arrange these neatly in front of the main dishes.

Front Row (Immediate Offerings):

  • Cups of Tea/Rice Wine: Place these directly in front of the food, ready for libations.
  • Incense Holder: Position this centrally at the very front of the food offerings, where additional incense sticks and candles will be placed.
  • Fresh Flowers: Place these on either side of the food offerings or in front of them, depending on space. Opt for elegant arrangements that do not obstruct other offerings.

3. The Ceremony: A Step-by-Step Ritual

With your altar arranged, you can begin the formal ceremony.

Light the Candles:

  • Carefully light the Ritual Candles (Red). As you light them, focus your intentions on inviting your ancestors and illuminating their path.
  • Place 3 candles at the back and the remaining candles in the incense

Light the Incense Sticks:

  • Light the tips of the bundle of incense sticks until they glow - ideally with the flames of the candles.
  • Extinguish the flame by waving or gently blowing, allowing them to smolder and release fragrant smoke.
  • Take three Incense Sticks (three for heaven, earth, and mankind, or representing the three realms) and hold the incense sticks with both hands, bow three times (or kneel), and offer a silent prayer or message to your ancestors, inviting them to partake in the offerings and receive your respects.
  • Place the remainder of the lit incense sticks upright in the incense holder.

Offer Tea/Wine (Libation):

  • Take the cups of tea and rice or regular white wine is fine if you cannot get rice wine.
  • Starting with the tea, hold in both hands and bow three times, calling out loud to your ancestor to drink tea.
  • Pour a small amount of the liquid onto the ground as a libation, offering it to your ancestors.
  • This is a symbolic gesture of sharing a drink with them. You can pour from each cup or from a main serving vessel pouring from left to right and back until the liquid is finished. Repeat with the wine.

Verbal Invitations and Prayers:

  • Bow respectfully before the altar.
  • You may speak aloud, inviting your ancestors by name, expressing your gratitude, recounting family news, and offering wishes for their peace and comfort in the afterlife. Be sincere and heartfelt.

Burning the Joss Paper: A Specific Order

The order of burning joss paper is symbolic, guiding resources and intentions to the ancestors. Ensure you have a safe, fire-proof container for burning.

a. Ceremonial Opening Packet:

  • Begin by holding and lighting the Ceremonial Opening Packet. As it burns, visualize it clearing the path and opening the spiritual gateway, ensuring all subsequent offerings reach your ancestors smoothly. Place it carefully in the burning container.
  • Meaning: Establishes a direct connection and allows for an unobstructed flow of offerings.

b. Gold & Silver Joss Paper (Foil Square Sheets):

  • Next, take the Gold & Silver Joss Paper. Burn these sheets, visualizing them transforming into immense wealth and spiritual currency for your ancestors. You can crumple them slightly to help them burn faster.
  • Meaning: Provides financial comfort and prosperity in the afterlife.

c. Sandpaper-Style Joss Paper:

  • Burn the Sandpaper-Style Joss Paper. As it burns, focus on its purpose of spiritual cleansing, karmic resolution, and assisting ancestors on their journey through the spiritual realms.
  • Meaning: Supports spiritual purification and helps ancestors resolve past burdens.

d. Long Plain Joss Paper:

  • Now, burn the Long Plain Joss Paper. Imagine these transforming into basic necessities like clothing, food, and personal items, ensuring your ancestors are well-provided for.
  • Meaning: Offers fundamental comforts and necessities out of filial piety.

e. Hell Banknotes:

  • Finally, burn the Hell Banknotes. These represent a larger denomination of spiritual currency, ensuring your ancestors have abundant resources for their comfort and well-being.
  • Meaning: Provides extensive resources and comfort in the spiritual realm.

Safety Note: Ensure each batch of joss paper has fully turned to ash before adding the next, especially in windy conditions. Supervise the burning process closely.

Concluding Bows and Gratitude:

  • Once all the joss paper has been burned and the incense has mostly smoldered down (or after a respectful period), bow three times before the altar.
  • Express your final thanks and goodbyes to your ancestors.

4. After the Ceremony: Sharing the Blessings

Sharing the Food: It is traditional and auspicious for family members to share and consume the food offerings after the ceremony. It is believed that the ancestors have "partaken" of the spiritual essence of the food, leaving the physical substance for the living to enjoy, symbolizing shared blessings and continuity.

Cleaning Up: Once the ceremony concludes and food is shared, clean up the area respectfully. Dispose of ashes properly and leave the flowers at the grave if permitted.